THE DOCTOR VISIT

I've taken my daughter to the doctor to treat an ear infection and my son, who has tagged along, insists that he's sick too and wants to be examined. "Mommy, I have a stomach ache," he whines. I tell him, "Don't worry, I'll take care of you when I get home, I know how to treat tummy aches." To which he replies, "But Mommy, you're not a doctor."

MOMMY THE TECH WHIZ

Rebecca and Dylan are excited to watch "The Polar Express" but they can't seem to get the DVD to work. "Mommy, you've got to come fix this." Mommy walks into the room, presses a few buttons and suddenly, the movie starts to work. "Wow mommy, that's amazing, you fixed the DVD player," says Rebecca. "What are you, a superhero or something?"

THE ZAGAT GUIDE

I was in Barnes and Noble looking at cookbooks and without missing a beat, my 12 year old daughter assessed my culinary prowess with one telling comment: "Mom, what are we doing in this section? I thought your cookbook was the Zagat guide."

OUCH!

Dear Teacher, My mom just went back to work and I don't know what to do. Signed Lonly (not a typo...that's how he spelled Lonely).

MY DATE WITH RAMONE

Sara, a six year old tells her mom about her new boyfriend Ramone: "Ramone asked me out on a date. I asked him what time he'd pick me up and he said 8:30. I told him I can't come because my mommy makes me go to bed by 8.

WHAT'S IN GRANDPA'S NOSE?

Following a recent family vacation, my three-year-old noticed something strange in his grandfather's nose and decided not to say anything about it until he returned home. While sitting in the back seat of the car he proclaimed, "Mommy, I thought there was a booger in Grandpa's nose, but it was really a hair nose."

MY LITTLE PARROT

I admit that I'm not the kind of parent who monitors everything my kids watch on TV and sometimes, when they don't go to bed as early as I'd like, I let them stay up and watch frivolous comedies like "Anchorman" and "Kicking and Screaming" featuring Will Ferrell, or the cult favorite "Napoleon Dynamite." Herein lies the problem. When your three year old repeats everything he hears, suddenly lines from the movies that you'd rather keep private are now in the public domain or in his case...pre-school. When he blurted out "It's so damn hot...milk was a bad choice," to his teacher and then chanted "Vote for Pedro" on a recent airplane trip and then last night shouted "Way to go Bing Bong," I realized it's time to either enforce his curfew or be subjected to a Disney marathon until he finally falls asleep

BOOKSTORE BLOOPER

I took my son on a playdate to Borders one afternoon with another five year old boy and his aunt. The boys chose some books to take back to the cafe part of the book store where they looked at books at ate some pretzels. When they were finished looking at their books, they saw this small rack next to the cards with mini books - like a Snoopy book, a book on hugs, a book on chocolate, and a book we were given because it was a "mommy and daddy" book. They were both so proud to hand over this book. Just take a guess at which "mommy and daddy" book it was...The Karma Sutra! Not only did they bring us one, they brought us 3 copies!!

WHICH CAME FIRST, THE PIGEON OR THE DUCK

You know you've been living in suburbia for too long when your walking with your three year old in Manhattan, a pigeon crosses your path and your little one proudly exclaims..."Look Mommy, a Duck!"

THE EXTENSION CORD

I'm running late to pick up my daughter from gymnastics class and I plead with my son to stop watching his "Dora the Explorer" video so that we can jump in the car and get his sister. "But Mommy, I want to watch my show. Can't we take the TV with us?" I respond, "No, sorry, we can't do that." To which he replies, "Why? Because the plug isn't long enough?"

MURRAY THE MOSQUITO

Dylan is quite upset when he wakes up one morning to find a huge mosquito bite on his leg. "Mommy, it won't stop itching! Make it stop!" he whines. "Why did the mosquito bite me?" I tell him that he was hungry and was looking for a bite to eat and his leg seemed like the perfect entree. Then I start joking with him and say, "Why don't we name the mosquito that bit you. Let's call him Murray the mosquito." In my head, I start concocting a crazy tale about Murray on a frantic search for food when Dylan replies, "Mommy, you can't name the mosquito Murray, insects don't have names!" The kid is only four years old and yet he's already onto me. Sheesh!

THE SUPERMODEL

A seven-year-old boy is taking a shower and says to his mom "Mommy, I'm not skinny like a supermodel." His mom replies, "How do you know what a supermodel is?" "Well, she's skinny as a french fry and really nice to look at!

THE MET DOODLE

Rebecca visits her grandma's house and heads straight for the pantry to grab a snack. "Grandma, what do you have for me?" she asks. "We've got Yankee Doodles," her grandma tells her. "Why don't you have any Mets Doodles? We don't like the Yankees!"

Mommy Can't Handle It!

My husband is putting my daughter to bed and he asks her, "Would you want mommy to have a third child?" My daughter thinks a moment and replies "No way, Mommy couldn't handle getting three kids ready in the morning." Thanks for the vote of confidence, but...she's absolutely right!