PICKING A WINNER

My son is hosting a four-year-old playmate at our house and I'm about to hand him a snack when I notice that his index finger is lodged way up his nostril. "Find anything good up there?" I ask, thinking he'll decide it's time to find a tissue. "Not yet," he answers. "I'm digging for my brain."

BAD KIDDY JOKES!

My kids thought they were on the comedy circuit tonight and kept trying to impress me with their latest jokes. Here's a sample... Mommy...Why did the chicken cross the road? Why? I'm not telling you. Mommy...Why did the cow order popcorn? Why? Because he was at the Moo-vies. Mommy...Why did the chicken poop on the sidewalk? Why? I'm not telling you.

Mommy...What happened when the two bunnies got married? What? They went on a bunnymoon. Mommy...Why did the chicken marry the cow? Why? I'm not telling you. From here on out, joke time is officially on hiatus...until somebody comes up with something funny!

MONKEY BUSINESS

My son is having a grand old time as I chase him around in his bedroom so he'll put on his pajamas. As he pole vaults onto his bed and proceeds to start jumping up and down like a little maniac, I exclaim, "Cut that out because if you break your bed, who is going to pay to fix it?" My son looks me straight in the eye and says "I'll pay to fix the bed." "With what money, I ask?" "Oh, that's easy, with my monkey wallet!" Before heading to work the next day, I stop off at a coffee shop. As I rifle through my purse for cash, all I can find is the monkey wallet. While my son didn't use his stash to fix his mattress, he did help mommy pay for a bran muffin. No need to fret, I paid him back in full.

EWWWWW!!!!

Over the last two weeks, my daughter has picked up a new word to add to her growing vocabulary. "Ewwwww!!!!" She used this wonderful phrase after commenting on the size of a friend's oversized belly when he decided to go shirtless while our families shared a vacation home together. Luckily for us, our good friend took it in stride. Unfortunately, the dreaded comment reared its ugly head once again today just as we were pulling up to her house in our minivan. With our windows wide open, our daughter gazed outside to see another shirtless neighbor busily clearing up debris left by the latest rain storm. At the top of her lungs she yelled "EWWWWW!!!!" Completely mortified, all we could do was look at our neighbor with his back hair standing on end, shrug our shoulders and wave. We then sent our daughter inside to write out 50 times that she'd never insult anyone again with the phrase "EWWWWW!!!!" Better yet, next time we should just remember to close the windows when we drive down our street.

OUT TO PASTURE

We're stuck in bumper to bumper traffic following a fun-filled summer vacation and the natives in the back seat are getting restless. Desperate for something to eat, we promise them that the moment we see the famous Golden Arches, we'll stop for some lunch. After another hour in the car with no rest stops in sight, the kids are really getting antsy and the whining has begun to commence. Suddenly, I see something in the distance that'll take their mind off food. With as much enthusiasm as I can muster on a seven hour road trip, I tell them, "Look kids, a bunch of cows," To which my son responds, "Is that McDonald's?"

I WANT A PRIZE!

Rebecca is in the bathroom with her grandmother and discovers what she believes to be a prize dispenser. Thinking she's hit paydirt, she asks, "Grandma, do you have a quarter? I want to win something!" Unfortunately, the winning prize comes in two varieties, tampon or sanitary napkin.

THE APOLOGY

Yesterday should have been the happiest day ever for our kids. We took them swimming all afternoon, then brought them to dinner on the beach where they hung out with their friends and to top off the night, took them to a kiddy park where they had the chance to go on all the rides, play games and eat junk. And yet, my daughter left the park in tears. Why? Well read the apology letter she wrote to us today and you'll find out why: First we went to breakfast and ate some food. Next we went to the pool club for four hours. Then we went out to dinner at Seaside Johnny's and we had fun. After that, we went to Ride-Playland (Rye Playland). I was having lots of fun. Until I got upset and I didn't get my way because I wanted a toy. Everyone got a toy but me. So I was crying. Chance (her friend) gave me a back scratcher (the toy he had won). I tried to give it back (because Daddy told her it was the right thing to do). I am very sorry Daddy. Love, Becca