Overheard...

This joke comes straight from my seven-year-old... What has four wheels and flies? (Usual answer...an airplane?) Nope...a GARBAGE TRUCK! And a question from my four-year-old after the death of our cat... Do you think Oliver's eyes stayed open so that he could watch TV in heaven? Another doozy from the four-year old... Mommy - I had really good balls at the bowling alley today.

The Credit Card

My seven year old daughter, who has recently been bitten by the shopping bug turns to me yesterday asking the question of the week:

"Mommy, how do you get a credit card?"

"You have to get a job," I tell her.

"Can I get a credit card?"

"Not until you get a job," I respond, thinking that'll put an end to the conversation"

"But I have a job," she replies. "I clean the cat litter!"

Short but Cute

Overheard in our minivan...

"Tell your mom that we should go to the ice cream store,"

"She's not my mom. She's my mommy."

Mommy, Take a Look at This...

I'm busy typing away on my computer while my four-year-old son calls out to me from the den. "Mommy, you have to come see this!" "What is it?" I call out to him. "Come see my penis!" He screams. I think to myself, oh this can't be good. I climb up the steps and ask him what the problem is. "Look, mommy - my penis keeps wiggling and jiggling." Completely flustered, I haven't the faintest idea how to respond to this comment, so I just tell him to take his hand away from his wee wee and it'll stop doing parlor tricks for him. "But Mommy, I don't want to!" he shouts. "Look, it's really hard Mommy." At this point, I am completely flushed, have no clue how to tell him that he needs to revisit himself in another decade or so, give or take a few years and so I just say, "Just wait until Daddy comes home - his does tricks too."

The Scary Movie

We're on line at the movie theater about to see the premiere of Flushed Away (Click Here for our review), and my son walks over to a poster-sized ad featuring some scary horror flick that's coming out in a few months. While staring at the face of some menacing madman, he looks at me and says, "Mommy, I don't think I can see this movie because it'll give me night mirrors."

Halloween House Hunt

Every year we attempt to go trick or treating on our street and the pickings are pretty slim. Most of the houses have their lights off which is a natural deterrent to not wanting to give kids candy, so this year, we decided to try a new plan of action. We left a load of candy in a cauldron on our front porch and headed off to a busier part of town where scores of trick or treaters were busy ringing doorbells and coming up with fistfuls of candy. Our kids were thrilled with this new Halloween destination and when we returned home, we found that no one...not one single kid had taken a piece of candy out of the cauldron. My daughter looked at the bagfuls of candy that were left over this year and came to one simple conclusion. "Maybe we should move," she said. I stared at her incredulously and said "No, we're not going to move just because no one trick or treats at our house." To which she responded, "But mommy, if we moved, then you wouldn't have to waste all that money on that candy since nobody takes it anyway."

CAN I GO BACK INSIDE?

Melissa is having a meaningful conversation with her wide-eyed three-year-old who has just asked her where she came from. Melissa explains that she grew inside her belly for nine months. "But how did I come out of your belly?" she asks. Melissa continues to share the story of her birth by explaining that she couldn't come out the normal way (from between Mommy's legs) so the doctors "reached in and took you out of my belly." Enthralled by the prospect of going on a ride inside her mom's body, her daughter points to Melissa's stomach and exclaims, "Can I go back inside? I want to do it again!"

THE FACTORY

This weekend my daughter was in question mode. While eating a hamburger she inspected it, and then asked? "Mommy, where do burgers come from?" "That's easy, from a cow," I respond. Then we were out apple picking and following our 45 minute walk through the orchards where we picked some pretty lame fruit because the crowds had beaten us to the great produce, my daughter asked: "Mommy, which came first, the apple or the apple tree?" You try to answer that one...it's kind of hard to figure out. Then, following our apple picking extravaganza, we headed to a diner, where my daughter, who was enjoying her spaghetti slathered in butter sauce, peered over at my son's hot dog and asks me her inquisitive question of the day: "Mommy, where do frankfurters come from?" I give her a look, figuring she already knew the answer and reply, "Come on, it's the same place that hamburgers come from." "A factory?" Technically yes, but jeez, whatever happened to easy questions anyway!

BE KIND...REWIND!

You know your kid has been watching way too many videos when you're out with him in a restaurant, he breaks into a song from his favorite movie (still the "Wizard of Oz" of course), finishes the tune and then says "Wait, I'm going to rewind and start all over again." Since there's no video player in sight, he does the next best thing. Purses his lips together, jiggles them back and forth, makes a whirring noise, and voila...he's ready to start from the top..."I could while away the hours..."

PICKING A WINNER

My son is hosting a four-year-old playmate at our house and I'm about to hand him a snack when I notice that his index finger is lodged way up his nostril. "Find anything good up there?" I ask, thinking he'll decide it's time to find a tissue. "Not yet," he answers. "I'm digging for my brain."

BAD KIDDY JOKES!

My kids thought they were on the comedy circuit tonight and kept trying to impress me with their latest jokes. Here's a sample... Mommy...Why did the chicken cross the road? Why? I'm not telling you. Mommy...Why did the cow order popcorn? Why? Because he was at the Moo-vies. Mommy...Why did the chicken poop on the sidewalk? Why? I'm not telling you.

Mommy...What happened when the two bunnies got married? What? They went on a bunnymoon. Mommy...Why did the chicken marry the cow? Why? I'm not telling you. From here on out, joke time is officially on hiatus...until somebody comes up with something funny!

MONKEY BUSINESS

My son is having a grand old time as I chase him around in his bedroom so he'll put on his pajamas. As he pole vaults onto his bed and proceeds to start jumping up and down like a little maniac, I exclaim, "Cut that out because if you break your bed, who is going to pay to fix it?" My son looks me straight in the eye and says "I'll pay to fix the bed." "With what money, I ask?" "Oh, that's easy, with my monkey wallet!" Before heading to work the next day, I stop off at a coffee shop. As I rifle through my purse for cash, all I can find is the monkey wallet. While my son didn't use his stash to fix his mattress, he did help mommy pay for a bran muffin. No need to fret, I paid him back in full.

EWWWWW!!!!

Over the last two weeks, my daughter has picked up a new word to add to her growing vocabulary. "Ewwwww!!!!" She used this wonderful phrase after commenting on the size of a friend's oversized belly when he decided to go shirtless while our families shared a vacation home together. Luckily for us, our good friend took it in stride. Unfortunately, the dreaded comment reared its ugly head once again today just as we were pulling up to her house in our minivan. With our windows wide open, our daughter gazed outside to see another shirtless neighbor busily clearing up debris left by the latest rain storm. At the top of her lungs she yelled "EWWWWW!!!!" Completely mortified, all we could do was look at our neighbor with his back hair standing on end, shrug our shoulders and wave. We then sent our daughter inside to write out 50 times that she'd never insult anyone again with the phrase "EWWWWW!!!!" Better yet, next time we should just remember to close the windows when we drive down our street.

OUT TO PASTURE

We're stuck in bumper to bumper traffic following a fun-filled summer vacation and the natives in the back seat are getting restless. Desperate for something to eat, we promise them that the moment we see the famous Golden Arches, we'll stop for some lunch. After another hour in the car with no rest stops in sight, the kids are really getting antsy and the whining has begun to commence. Suddenly, I see something in the distance that'll take their mind off food. With as much enthusiasm as I can muster on a seven hour road trip, I tell them, "Look kids, a bunch of cows," To which my son responds, "Is that McDonald's?"

I WANT A PRIZE!

Rebecca is in the bathroom with her grandmother and discovers what she believes to be a prize dispenser. Thinking she's hit paydirt, she asks, "Grandma, do you have a quarter? I want to win something!" Unfortunately, the winning prize comes in two varieties, tampon or sanitary napkin.

THE APOLOGY

Yesterday should have been the happiest day ever for our kids. We took them swimming all afternoon, then brought them to dinner on the beach where they hung out with their friends and to top off the night, took them to a kiddy park where they had the chance to go on all the rides, play games and eat junk. And yet, my daughter left the park in tears. Why? Well read the apology letter she wrote to us today and you'll find out why: First we went to breakfast and ate some food. Next we went to the pool club for four hours. Then we went out to dinner at Seaside Johnny's and we had fun. After that, we went to Ride-Playland (Rye Playland). I was having lots of fun. Until I got upset and I didn't get my way because I wanted a toy. Everyone got a toy but me. So I was crying. Chance (her friend) gave me a back scratcher (the toy he had won). I tried to give it back (because Daddy told her it was the right thing to do). I am very sorry Daddy. Love, Becca

THE DOCTOR VISIT

I've taken my daughter to the doctor to treat an ear infection and my son, who has tagged along, insists that he's sick too and wants to be examined. "Mommy, I have a stomach ache," he whines. I tell him, "Don't worry, I'll take care of you when I get home, I know how to treat tummy aches." To which he replies, "But Mommy, you're not a doctor."

MOMMY THE TECH WHIZ

Rebecca and Dylan are excited to watch "The Polar Express" but they can't seem to get the DVD to work. "Mommy, you've got to come fix this." Mommy walks into the room, presses a few buttons and suddenly, the movie starts to work. "Wow mommy, that's amazing, you fixed the DVD player," says Rebecca. "What are you, a superhero or something?"

THE ZAGAT GUIDE

I was in Barnes and Noble looking at cookbooks and without missing a beat, my 12 year old daughter assessed my culinary prowess with one telling comment: "Mom, what are we doing in this section? I thought your cookbook was the Zagat guide."

OUCH!

Dear Teacher, My mom just went back to work and I don't know what to do. Signed Lonly (not a typo...that's how he spelled Lonely).

MY DATE WITH RAMONE

Sara, a six year old tells her mom about her new boyfriend Ramone: "Ramone asked me out on a date. I asked him what time he'd pick me up and he said 8:30. I told him I can't come because my mommy makes me go to bed by 8.

WHAT'S IN GRANDPA'S NOSE?

Following a recent family vacation, my three-year-old noticed something strange in his grandfather's nose and decided not to say anything about it until he returned home. While sitting in the back seat of the car he proclaimed, "Mommy, I thought there was a booger in Grandpa's nose, but it was really a hair nose."

MY LITTLE PARROT

I admit that I'm not the kind of parent who monitors everything my kids watch on TV and sometimes, when they don't go to bed as early as I'd like, I let them stay up and watch frivolous comedies like "Anchorman" and "Kicking and Screaming" featuring Will Ferrell, or the cult favorite "Napoleon Dynamite." Herein lies the problem. When your three year old repeats everything he hears, suddenly lines from the movies that you'd rather keep private are now in the public domain or in his case...pre-school. When he blurted out "It's so damn hot...milk was a bad choice," to his teacher and then chanted "Vote for Pedro" on a recent airplane trip and then last night shouted "Way to go Bing Bong," I realized it's time to either enforce his curfew or be subjected to a Disney marathon until he finally falls asleep

BOOKSTORE BLOOPER

I took my son on a playdate to Borders one afternoon with another five year old boy and his aunt. The boys chose some books to take back to the cafe part of the book store where they looked at books at ate some pretzels. When they were finished looking at their books, they saw this small rack next to the cards with mini books - like a Snoopy book, a book on hugs, a book on chocolate, and a book we were given because it was a "mommy and daddy" book. They were both so proud to hand over this book. Just take a guess at which "mommy and daddy" book it was...The Karma Sutra! Not only did they bring us one, they brought us 3 copies!!

WHICH CAME FIRST, THE PIGEON OR THE DUCK

You know you've been living in suburbia for too long when your walking with your three year old in Manhattan, a pigeon crosses your path and your little one proudly exclaims..."Look Mommy, a Duck!"

THE EXTENSION CORD

I'm running late to pick up my daughter from gymnastics class and I plead with my son to stop watching his "Dora the Explorer" video so that we can jump in the car and get his sister. "But Mommy, I want to watch my show. Can't we take the TV with us?" I respond, "No, sorry, we can't do that." To which he replies, "Why? Because the plug isn't long enough?"

MURRAY THE MOSQUITO

Dylan is quite upset when he wakes up one morning to find a huge mosquito bite on his leg. "Mommy, it won't stop itching! Make it stop!" he whines. "Why did the mosquito bite me?" I tell him that he was hungry and was looking for a bite to eat and his leg seemed like the perfect entree. Then I start joking with him and say, "Why don't we name the mosquito that bit you. Let's call him Murray the mosquito." In my head, I start concocting a crazy tale about Murray on a frantic search for food when Dylan replies, "Mommy, you can't name the mosquito Murray, insects don't have names!" The kid is only four years old and yet he's already onto me. Sheesh!

THE SUPERMODEL

A seven-year-old boy is taking a shower and says to his mom "Mommy, I'm not skinny like a supermodel." His mom replies, "How do you know what a supermodel is?" "Well, she's skinny as a french fry and really nice to look at!

THE MET DOODLE

Rebecca visits her grandma's house and heads straight for the pantry to grab a snack. "Grandma, what do you have for me?" she asks. "We've got Yankee Doodles," her grandma tells her. "Why don't you have any Mets Doodles? We don't like the Yankees!"

Mommy Can't Handle It!

My husband is putting my daughter to bed and he asks her, "Would you want mommy to have a third child?" My daughter thinks a moment and replies "No way, Mommy couldn't handle getting three kids ready in the morning." Thanks for the vote of confidence, but...she's absolutely right!