Diner Tales

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Actress Abigail Breslin knows exactly what kids really need this holiday season...batteries! She's featured along with newly named Duracell Holiday Ambassadors, left to right, Nyasha Sprow, of Dale City, VA., Mia Lawrence of Novato, Ca., and Brandon Callow of Twinsburg, Oh., pictured in New York, Dec. 4, 2007 after loading up toys bound for children's hospitals across the country. Duracell has committed to donate a dollar to children's hospitals for every photo of a smile uploaded to www.powerasmile.com (Photo/Duracell/Stuart Ramson).

The Eyes Have It

Overheard at the Ice Rink... Dad to precocious daughter... "I just saw what you did and you better cut it out or we're not going ice skating today." "How did you see me daddy, you weren't even looking at me?" "I have eyes in back of my head." "Oh no you don't, only Mommy does."

Overheard in the Bathroom...

"Mommy, why do I have to go the ladies room if I'm a boy?"

"Because I don't go to the men's room," that's why.

"But what about when I'm eight, can I go to the boy's room by myself?"

"Maybe."

"What about when I'm twenty? Can I got to the bathroom by myself then?"

"Yes and I probably won't be with you to take you to the bathroom when you're that age."

"Well, what about when I'm your age mommy? Will you take me to the bathroom then?"

"By the time your my age, you'll be taking me to the bathroom."

Photo of the Month....Mom, I Think I Forgot Something

Here's a classic shot taken during the Jewish holidays. Luckily, we convinced him he had to wear his shirt before we went to the Temple!

BEST SUMMER PHOTO OF THE SEASON!

You know your son is more adept at technology than you are when he uses your cell phone to tell his friend how to maneuver his Chim Char past level five on his Pokemon DS game. For more stories about our hilarious dude ranch vacation, click on the picture above.

Potty Humor

"Mommy, why is my tushy called a tushy?" asks my inquisitive five-year old.

"It's called a tushy because that's what it is." I reply, hoping that'll end the conversation.

"But mommy, my tushy isn't a she."

"You are absolutely right."

"I know. My tushy is actually a tush he!"

A Conversation with My Eight Year Old

"Mommy, have you quit your job yet?" "I'm trying to quit, but my boss won't let me." "Well why don't you just stop going into the office?" "I can't do that!" "Why not? If you don't come in, maybe your boss will fire you!" ...And that's why my eight year old is a genius.

A Story by Dylan...Leo, Max & Nigel Go to the Park

Once upon a time, Leo, Max and Nigel went to the park to play. When they were walking on the path, they found another lion named Murray. Murray had a boom box with him and he turned it on really loud and they started dancing and singing to the music. And they started rock 'n rolling. Then they all went back to Max's house and they watched TV. Murray went to to the bathroom. And then he washed his hands. Meanwhile, Max and Leo played tic tac toe. And Nigel played on the computer. Then, they all went outside to play baseball because they loved to play sports. But then it got late and Leo, Nigel and Murray went home with their daddies while Max's mommy told him he had to come back inside and get ready for bed. After he brushed his teeth, Max saw his favorite movie - The Lion King and then he got really tired because he had a really busy day so his daddy carried him up to bed, gave him a kiss and he fell fast asleep. The End.

The Boss

I'm contemplating finally taking a chance and starting my own company so I decide to test out my new plan on my 8 year old daughter.

"Hey, Becca. What would you think if I were home more because I started my own company?"

Becca looks at me with tears in her eyes. "But then I'd never get to go to your office and see your friends. I only get to once a year and now I would have anyplace to go."

"But Becca. I'd be President of my own company! Wouldn't that be cool?"

Rebecca looks me straight in the eye and replies, "but no one would be working for you."

Sometimes reality checks from an 8 year old can be harsh. Looks like I'll be heading to the office tomorrow...again.

George Washington's Teeth

"Mommy, did George Washington have wooden teeth?" "Yes, Dylan. He had wooden teeth."

"How did that happen? Was he born with them?"

The Theme to the Brady Bunch...Re-written by Dylan

Here's the story, Of a lonely lady, Who was bringing up three very ugly girls, All of them liked to wear gold, Like their mother, The youngest one had curls, More to come...

Patrick's Day

My son is all excited to go over our friends tonight for a party. But he's confused St. Patrick's Day with "Patrick's Day." Seems that Dylan thinks we're going over to the neighbors to celebrate Sponge Bob's ambigously gay friend's birthday.

Put it on Your Website

My son has become so savvy about my blog postings that he's been testing out material on me and when I told him today that his material today was a little weak (okay, I admit that's harsh) he yelled out, "Mommy, I hate your jokes!" Holy crap - four years old and we're already headed for family therapy. Now let me tell you, my son is hilarious. He comes up with zingers all the time but at four, he's bound to throw out some one liners that don't make the grade for our kiddy blog. But, I do have a a doozy of a poem he came up with this weekend... We will, we will flush you down the toilet And see if you enjoy it. Funny stuff...now if we can get him off toilet humor, we'll be golden...who am I kidding? Our book title is Peeing in Peace...obviously he gets his material from yours truly.

Quick Kid Riddle

Latest entry from my four-year-old... Why did the cow cross the road? He wanted to get to the moo-vies.

Privacy is Underrated

Without fail, the moment I step into my house after a busy day at the office, my kids think that it's their signal to pounce on "Mommy." I can't even take my coat off with one of them telling me what I did wrong even though I wasn't home. "Mommy - why weren't you at my swim class today, all the other moms were?" Try to finagle your way out of that one - sure I made sure his dad watched him two days earlier in the same swim class (since they gave parents two options to watch their little fish perform), but that didn't count. Mommy wasn't there to clap for your doggy paddle so now I'm officially in your version of the dog house.

Oh, but it gets better. As I walk up the stairs to sneak away to my bathroom, my son's footsteps follow me in the distance. "MOMMY, WHERE ARE YOU???" "I'm hiding, where do you think I am?"

After prancing into my bedroom and swinging open the bathroom door, he finds me, sitting on my throne and thoroughly annoyed that I've once again been interrupted by my little prince.

"I SEE MOMMY'S PRIVACY!" Uh. Doesn't anybody knock anymore?

I think it's officially time to put a deadbolt in my bathroom or a plant a huge Do Not Disturb outside the door...then again - the kid can't read yet, so a kiddy proof lock will do just fine.

What's in a Name

It's been about a month since our cat died so today, we decided to take a chance and bring home a new cat to keep our lonely feline, Rudy company. The cat has pretty much been hiding out all day and my kids are busy trying to figure out what to name her.

"What about Raven?" says Rebecca.

"Absolutely not," says Darin "That show drives me nuts."

"Okay. What about Rosie?" she offers.

"Rudy and Rosie sitting in a tree k*i*s*s* and k*i*p*," sings my four-year-old who obviously has a spelling problem.

"How about Gracie? That's a nice name!"

"Boring."

"Okay - I've got it. What do you think of Pussy?"

Containing my laughter, my husband looks at me and counters, "I've got no problems with that one."

The Meeting and Other Quips from a Four Year Old

Dylan is sitting at the dinner table when suddenly sounds start emanating from his stomach.

"Mommy, I think there's a meeting inside my tummy."

"Oh really. What do you think they're having a meeting about?"

"They're picking out what I should order."

Later that day...We're attempting to put together a 37 piece contraption that's missing a few pegs and I'm getting really frustrated and about to abandon the project, when Dylan grabs a piece of paper and exclaims.

"Mommy, why don't you just follow the constructions."

Two Jokes for Kids...

Joke #1: Overheard on Sponge Bob...

What do you call a snail on a boat?

I don't know.

A snailor!

Joke #2: Overheard during a screening of Charlotte's Web...

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Eggs

Eggs Who?

Eggs-zactly